A creative companion piece to Herough Herough, set in the same universe. Not part of the novel — but it would feel right at home on the shelf above the bar.
General Provisions
All employees shall be informed, in writing, that the restaurant serves insects. Employees who believe they were misled about this during the hiring process are entitled to one (1) free meal and one (1) opportunity to leave.
The phrase “the bug is the meal” must appear in the employee handbook, on the back of every uniform, and on a small placard above each kitchen station. It does not need to appear on the menu.
Section 1: Insect Storage
Insects shall be stored at temperatures appropriate to their species. Mealworms refrigerated. Crickets ambient. Scorpions, when in season, in a separate walk-in clearly labeled NOT THE WALK-IN YOU WANT.
No insect shall be stored adjacent to dairy. The reasons are aesthetic.
A locked drawer shall be maintained for any insect a regulatory inspector has specifically asked you to stop serving. The key shall be held by a person who is not currently on the premises.
Section 2: Handling
Employees shall wash hands before handling insects. Employees shall wash hands after handling insects. Employees shall wash hands during handling, if anyone is watching.
If an insect escapes during preparation, the employee shall calmly inform the chef, then attempt to recapture the insect using the designated insect recapture tongs. The tongs are in the drawer above the dishwasher. There is only one pair.
If a customer notices the escaped insect, the employee shall immediately offer that customer a complimentary pint of beer. If the customer notices a second escaped insect, the customer is to be informed that the restaurant has a small thematic infestation as part of its concept and is encouraged to leave a review.
Section 3: Service
Insects shall be served on plates of contrasting color. Black plates for crickets. White plates for mealworms. A plate that matches the insect violates the spirit of presentation and undermines customer trust.
Servers shall not, under any circumstances, refer to insects as “little snacks,” “crunchy friends,” or “the small ones.” Insects shall be referred to by their species name or, if the customer appears squeamish, by their dish name only.
If a customer asks “is this a bug?”, the correct response is, “yes, and it pairs beautifully with the Dopplebock.”
If a customer asks “is this a real bug?”, the correct response is, “would you like me to bring out the beer list?”
Section 4: Emergency Procedures
In the event of an inspection, the locked drawer (Section 1) shall not be opened.
In the event of a fire, prioritize the escape of customers, then employees, then the scorpion walk-in (Section 1).
In the event a competing seafood restaurant opens nearby, refer to the General Manager. Do not engage. Do not respond to flyers. Do not, under any circumstances, accept gifts of chocolate milk delivered by a person you do not recognize.
Section 5: Acknowledgment
By signing below, the employee acknowledges that they have read and understood these guidelines, that they are aware the restaurant serves insects, and that they understand the bug is the meal.
Employee signature: _______________
Date: _______________
Did you actually read this: _______________
The novel where the chocolate milk references make a lot more sense.
